"Last night, while I lay thinking here,
Some Whatifs crawled inside my ear
And pranced and partied all night long
And sang their same old Whatif song:
Whatif I'm dumb in school?
Whatif they've closed the swimming pool?
Whatif I get beat up?
Whatif there's poison in my cup?
Whatif I start to cry?
Whatif I get sick and die?
Whatif I flunk the test?
Whatif green hair grows on my chest?
Whatif nobody likes me?
Whatif a bolt of lightning strikes me?
Whatif I don't grow taller?
Whatif my head starts getting smaller?
Whatif the fish won't bite?
Whatif the wind tears up my kite?
Whatif they start a war?
Whatif my parents get divorced?
Whatif the bus is late?
Whatif my teeth don't grow in straight?
Whatif I tear my pants?
Whatif I never learn to dance?
Everything seems swell, and then
The nightmare Whatifs strike again!"
(Shel Silverstein, A Light in the Attic)
I am not unlinke the narritive voice of this poem by Shel Silverstein. I too, have Whatifs that crawl into my ears at night and prance around in my mind. I think we all do. Our Whatifs come in different shapes and sizes... but no matter what the specifics... they try very hard to torment us. "Whatif green hair grows on my chest?" doesn't usually make it past my ear canal and I seldom entertain thoughts like "Whatif my head starts getting smaller?", but I have my own Whatifs. I'm sure you have yours too.... it's pretty easy to identify the Whatifs that we regularly battle. My Whatifs usually involve doubts about my future, my dreams, and the plans that God has for me. Whatif certain dreams are never fulfilled? Whatif life doesn't look the way I always hoped it would? Whatif? Whatif? Whatif?
The thing about Whatifs that make them so dangerous is that when Whatifs crawl into our minds, it's so easy to spend hours entertaining them. Entertaining Whatifs keeps our minds focused on the world of uncertainties... the unknown... the negative possibilities. Whatifs usually bring fear with them.
I spent a great deal of time a couple nights ago listening to the Whatifs that had crawled into my mind. In fact, they were bothering me so much that I found myself writing in my journal, "What if... What if... What if..." I started to think.... well... what if? What if all of these worst case Whatifs come true? How would that change me? How would that change my heart? How would that change my love of my God and my trust in Him? WHAT IF?
I think I won the battle with the Whatifs this time around... although I'm sure they'll come back again. Want to know the secret? Want to know how I killed the Whatifs that night? I killed them with Evenifs. Evenif life doesn't look the way I'd always hoped, Evenif certain dreams are never fulfilled, Evenif I grow green hair on my chest, and Evenif my head gets smaller... EVEN IF all of these things are true... God will still be GOD. No matter what else does or does not happen, no matter what other uncertainties I face... I know with all certainty that God will still be God. EVEN IF.... God will still be GOOD. EVEN IF... God will still be my Father who loves me. IF I know that if God is still God, my Father, and God is still good, then I can still have hope. I can still fight those pesky little Whatifs.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Monday, June 18, 2007
The latest
Hey all! As promised, here's your long awaited update on the latest and greatest in my life. I'll try to stick with to the reader's digest version to save this from getting too long.
I'll start with the job... I worked my last day at Soup Etc! on Friday June 8th. I started my orientation and training at E-Comm on Monday. Training involved ten hour days for the entire week. It was very exhausting, but also really interesting. I'm learning a lot about the Greater Vancouver Region - geography was a huge part of the training. My class (there were four of us in training) was supposed to be ready to work on our own early this week, but due to staffing shortages, they worked it out so that we could be signed off on by Friday. So, as of Friday afternoon, the trainers (following our assessments) set us free. I worked on Saturday from 3pm to 3am. It was actually quite fun. I'm really enjoying the job so far. It's exciting. At times it's funny too... you'd be amazed with some of the things that people call 911 for. It's also a fun environment to work in... I'm really enjoying getting to know my coworkers. This week I only work a couple of days and then start my regular eight day rotation on Saturday. I'll be working two day shifts (7am to 7pm), followed by two night shifts (7pm to 7am), and then have four days off. I'm not sure how my body will adjust to working some nights and switching from days to nights. This will be a new experience for me.
Liz came to visit last week. Unfortunately she came on a cold rainy week, but we had fun anyway. So when I wasn't working or training, I got to be tourist again for a while. We went to Victoria on the weekend, where unfortunately we saw the naked bike racers (yikes!). That's right... in Victoria and Vancouver they have naked bike races once a year. Sort of humorous, sort of crazy... especially on a cold rainy day. We spent some time with one of our friends from college who we haven't seen in many years. It was a good week.
You may remember from my last post that I was going to meet with "mom" a couple of weeks ago. I had a nice chat with her and started volunteering that night. My schedule doesn't allow me the luxury of volunteering on consistent evenings, but I'm been trying to go out at least once, sometimes twice, each week to help. I have loved every minute that I have spent downtown helping so far (I've also had some very interesting public transit adventures). Most of the people Ellen now serves are adult men. I've gotten to know some, and recognize more faces every time I'm there. I look forward to serving and building relationships with mom's friends. God is there. I see His image and His fingerprints in so many ways when I spend time with these guys... the forgotten in our society. On Friday night, I spent almost an hour talking with one of the younger guys who had come for food. He's a drug dealer who portrays a tough exterior, but as we talked, I was amazed how similar we really are. People are people. We all have the same needs and desires. I hope that I will see this individual again... he's someone I'd like to be friends with.
That's all for now. Oh... one other exciting thing... I was granted the time off that I need in August to come back to Ontario for the weddings I will be attending. I'm going to book a flight soon. I'll be in Windsor for a few days and then off to the cottage for a few more. I'm excited!
I'll start with the job... I worked my last day at Soup Etc! on Friday June 8th. I started my orientation and training at E-Comm on Monday. Training involved ten hour days for the entire week. It was very exhausting, but also really interesting. I'm learning a lot about the Greater Vancouver Region - geography was a huge part of the training. My class (there were four of us in training) was supposed to be ready to work on our own early this week, but due to staffing shortages, they worked it out so that we could be signed off on by Friday. So, as of Friday afternoon, the trainers (following our assessments) set us free. I worked on Saturday from 3pm to 3am. It was actually quite fun. I'm really enjoying the job so far. It's exciting. At times it's funny too... you'd be amazed with some of the things that people call 911 for. It's also a fun environment to work in... I'm really enjoying getting to know my coworkers. This week I only work a couple of days and then start my regular eight day rotation on Saturday. I'll be working two day shifts (7am to 7pm), followed by two night shifts (7pm to 7am), and then have four days off. I'm not sure how my body will adjust to working some nights and switching from days to nights. This will be a new experience for me.
Liz came to visit last week. Unfortunately she came on a cold rainy week, but we had fun anyway. So when I wasn't working or training, I got to be tourist again for a while. We went to Victoria on the weekend, where unfortunately we saw the naked bike racers (yikes!). That's right... in Victoria and Vancouver they have naked bike races once a year. Sort of humorous, sort of crazy... especially on a cold rainy day. We spent some time with one of our friends from college who we haven't seen in many years. It was a good week.
You may remember from my last post that I was going to meet with "mom" a couple of weeks ago. I had a nice chat with her and started volunteering that night. My schedule doesn't allow me the luxury of volunteering on consistent evenings, but I'm been trying to go out at least once, sometimes twice, each week to help. I have loved every minute that I have spent downtown helping so far (I've also had some very interesting public transit adventures). Most of the people Ellen now serves are adult men. I've gotten to know some, and recognize more faces every time I'm there. I look forward to serving and building relationships with mom's friends. God is there. I see His image and His fingerprints in so many ways when I spend time with these guys... the forgotten in our society. On Friday night, I spent almost an hour talking with one of the younger guys who had come for food. He's a drug dealer who portrays a tough exterior, but as we talked, I was amazed how similar we really are. People are people. We all have the same needs and desires. I hope that I will see this individual again... he's someone I'd like to be friends with.
That's all for now. Oh... one other exciting thing... I was granted the time off that I need in August to come back to Ontario for the weddings I will be attending. I'm going to book a flight soon. I'll be in Windsor for a few days and then off to the cottage for a few more. I'm excited!
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Sorry
Some of you have been asking for an update, so I just thought I'd quickly let you know that I am still alive and things are going well. That being said, I am so ridiculously exhausted right now that I'm not even sure I can stay awake long enough to put together a string of coherent sentences. I haven't forgotten about all of you though, and I promise that in the very near future I will write all about how the training for the new job has been and other things going on these days. I'd do it now, but seriously, it will be better if I wait. Soon... very soon... after I've had some good sleep. Goodnight.
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