My heart.

I know that I just posted a couple nights ago, so most of you will be surprised to see me posting again. This post is different than the updates that I have given you recently... this post is to share with you my heart. So, here's me... being real. I'm not sure who will read this, but I trust that God does. I feel compelled to write, and hope that by sharing it will help some of you to better know how to pray for me. For others, I suspect that where I'm at right now might resonate with your own experience. I pray that we can be an encouragement to one another through the difficult times. This is what the Body of Christ is about.
My heart hurts. It's hard to explain why... I'm not even really sure myself. I've been able to do little else tonight but cry. I came home, pulled up some songs on my computer, and just lay before my God crying. Every word of every song seemed to touch some part of my already tender heart, causing the tears to become like a waterfall. As I listened to the words of "It is well with my soul", I wondered to myself... 'but what if it's not? '. Today, it does not feel well in my soul. I "feel" far from "well". My heart is in a state of turmoil. And yet, I am certain that in the midst of my brokenness, God is here.
I think that many of the tears came from the feelings of frustration, confusion, anxiety, disappointment, and perhaps even anger toward God. After being here for three months, I still feel like I am no closer to knowing the plan that God has for me... the reason he has brought me here. That frustrates me. I found myself crying out to God, "Why have you brought me here?". Even wondering if He really has brought me here. Has He really brought me here only to find myself feeling so alone and often unsatisfied? Why did He bring me out of the safe and comfortable, only to be lost, confused, and afraid?
I understand much better now why the Israelites grumbled against God in the desert. It's so easy for us to look at the Israelites and say, "They should have trusted God" or "God was performing miracles to protect them and bring them to the Promised Land, and all they can do is complain. What a bunch of ungrateful dummies!" We read the story and it's so obvious to us. God gave them the pillars of cloud and fire to guide them, parted the waters of the sea for them to walk across, and sent food from heaven for them, among other miracles. Man, if we were the Israelites, we sure wouldn't have missed what God was doing! We wouldn't have grumbled! Really? I realized tonight that I have a lot in common with my Israelite ancestors. I grumble. I don't understand what God is doing. I feel like I embarked on this journey with big hopes and dreams, and yet now I feel like those things are so far out of reach... much like the Israelites must have felt about the Promised Land.
As I read the story of the exodus from Egypt tonight, I noticed some things that had never stood out to me before. Exodus 13:17-18 says, "When Pharaoh finally let the people go, God did not lead them on the road that runs through Philistine territory, even though that was the shortest way from Egypt to the Promised Land. God said, 'If the people are faced with battle, they might change their minds and return to Egypt'. So God led them along a route through the wilderness toward the Red Sea, and the Israelites left Egypt like a marching army". Interesting. The shortest distance between two points is a straight line, but God knew them. He knew His people well enough to know that they would turn back if they were faced with battle. So, he took them the LONG way around. For their own protection. To keep them from turning back on their dream of seeing the Promised Land. By taking them the long way, God was looking out for their best interests.... lovingly protecting them from themselves. Hmmm. And yet to the Israelites this seemed like cruel and unusual punishment. Perhaps God has brought me the long way for a reason as well. Perhaps he is protecting me from myself. He knows me. Often I'm sure that if God had not spoken so clearly to my heart back in November I wouldn't stay. I like it here, but this is the hardest thing I've ever done. However, I am convinced that God has me here for a purpose, even if I don't understand. He knows me. He knows the desires of my heart and His plans for my life. But still, I question how long I will have to wait before those desires. Will I ever understand His plans for me? How do I learn to be content here in the here-and-now when I feel like there's something so much bigger? How do I keep from grumbling and continue to trust God in the wilderness when all I really want is to see the Promised Land? These are the questions running through my heart and my mind tonight. Please pray for me. Love you all.